At the book What to Expect the First Year. For the most part it gives some really sound advice but man, sometimes it reads like the how-to manual of maternal insanity.
To wit: not letting your child fall asleep while nursing so that you can put them down awake and they practice soothing themselves to sleep by themselves. Even the book admits that the part with the not falling asleep while nursing isn’t as realistic as it could be - because babies WILL fall asleep while nursing and there’s nothing you can do about it. They won’t wake up to pretty much anything - at least, once she’s got sleep on her mind, mine won’t. Besides, it’s so cozy an comfy for both her and me to hang out together for a while.
And that’s where my beef with the book lies. It took me a while to figure out why - but reading this kind of advice bothers me more than I expected it would so figure it out I did.
You see, the baby just feels cozy and comfy on her mom after having had a good meal. And she likes to be cozy and comfortable because it feels good. But if I don’t let her get used to this kind of comfort, then what am I teaching her? That feeling good is bad? That this is a world where, if you let on that something makes you feel comfortable, you will be punished by having your comfort taken away?
I will never teach her that, even if it makes her come to sleeping on her own later than other kids. She sleeps alone in her crib most of the night so I think there’s a good chance that letting her sleep in my arms for a bit after nursing is not wrecking her just yet.
There’s other bits like that in the book, all of them reflecting an attitude that you should raise your child to be okay with being slightly deprived. I bet they mean well but it reads so institutional. And even worse, it makes me feel like no matter what, I’ll be doing something wrong as a mother because there will always be some rule I’m not following, or if I follow it then I have to go against my instincts. Neither of which is a good place to be. And I think it’s irresponsible to claim authority and then give advice that’s pretty much unfollowable even by the author’s own admission, especially to new mothers, who can drive hemselves crazy just fine without any help from anyone else.
Comments 3
Ah, it’s been a long time since I saw those tattered edges of that book. Mostly I found it useful for really specific stuff than guidelines for motherhood (like when to expect medical maladies, etc.). The biggest problem I remember about the falling asleep while nursing thing was with G: he would fall asleep and then as soon as I tried to dislodge, he’d start nursing again, prolonging the nursing session so it’d turn into these loooooonnnngg sessions.
But mostly, what I remember is how sometimes they’d fall asleep and the mouth would just gape open and they’d be lying there (I mean separately, of course, I’m saying “they” as if they were twins which they weren’t) with a little dribble of milk on the edge of the mouth. I don’t believe there’s another more content look in life.
I think a big thing with the books is to just take what you want from them and ignore the rest. Go with your instincts and use the book as a back-up when you are lost.
Posted 30 Jul 2008 at 7:45 pm ¶Spoken as if I really remember those days that well.
Posted 30 Jul 2008 at 7:45 pm ¶ah yes, taking what you need and ignoring the rest! I’m working on it. But it seems that having a brand this brand new creature in my life is real good for bringing out my insecurities.
Posted 02 Aug 2008 at 6:34 pm ¶Post a Comment